Welcome to my world!

Saturday, 19 February 2011

30 Day Challenge - Day 8

Todays task - Tell us about the last person who text you.

The last person who text me was my father. He text me to ask me to translate a medical abreviation on his blood test form. My father has a lot of blood tests and he phones/texts me to get me to translate these abreviations at least once for every test he has, despite the fact that I did type up a sheet for him with all of them on which he has in his house.

My dad is not the brightest of people, but he still asks me questions about what it is that I do and then gets frustrated when he doesn't understand the answer. He also like to think that he knows better than other people which results in him spouting a bunch of technical jargon that he's heard from people who actually know what they're going on about and the screwing up whatever it is he tries to do.

He's never going to win an award for Worlds Best Dad in fact it took the death of my Grandather (the father figure in my life until I was 11) for him to even make an attempt at anything that could be described as parenting. He is trying to make up for his lack of presence in my early life but its a case of too little, too late. I have a functional relationship with my father but we're hardly what I would call close. We can be civil to one another and he does help me out when I need things doing, but his approach to being a father seems to be throw money at my children to make up for the fact that I don't have a paternal bone in my body.

I doubt that we'll ever have the sort of relationship that I hear people are supposed to have with their parents, but there's more chance of this happening with him than there is of achieving a realtionship with my mother, as he is actually trying to get his act together, whether he sticks to what he says on that matter, the jury is still out as I've heard it all time and time again, I'll believe it when I see it.

Friday, 18 February 2011

30 Day Challenge - Day 7

Todays task is what is your opinion of your body and how comfortable you are with it.

I don't think that anyone is 100% happy with their boday and I think that honestly everyone could realistically come up with at least one thing that they would change. I don't have the perfect body, and I honestly don't believe that I ever will. I've always been broad shouldered and I am fairly big boned (as in I actually have large bones, rather that the common excuse fat people use). I was athletically built when I was younger and I was always fairly active, I did years of dance and swimming and also played a lot of sport, mostly netball and hockey. When I was a teenager I broke my ankle and was in a wheelchair and then on crutches for quite some time, it was during this time that my mental health problems started and I was put on Olanzapine, one of the major side effects of which is sever weight gain. The weight gain from the drugs combined with my inabillity to exercise or really move around much meant that my weight ballooned. I have had issues with my weight ever since, the depression lead to comfort eating and my continued dedication to my academic career meant an constantly increased workload and an increasing proprtion of my life sat with my head in books, rather than leading an active lifestyle. 

I have hated my body pretty much all of my life, even before the weight gain I wasn't happy. I am currently working on improving my lifestyle since I have graduated from university. Sheldon and I are watching what we eat, eating regular meals and being more active, trying to get in shape. I have also more or less stopped comfort eating (with the exception of the monthly chocloate need, ladies I'm sure you know what I mean) and I am feeling more comfortable in my own skin. This new found comfort with my own body is largely due to Sheldon's reassurance that I am beautiful just the way that I am and that he loves me no matter what. I am still endeavouring to loose some weight but I'm not obsessing over it, and this time I'm doing it for me, not because I want other people to see me differently. I'm not going to say that I don't care what other people think of me becasue that would be a colosal lie, but I care less about the opinions of the shallow, vein, superficial individuals and more about the opinions of my nearest and dearest as it it their opinions that matter.

Thursday, 17 February 2011

30 Day Challenge - Day 6

What are 6 things you like about yourself or that you are good at.

This one has taken me quite sometime to acutally write as I have some major self esteme issues and my first response to this task was nothing. There isn't really anything I like about myself and for every positive I can think of a negative eg I quite like my hair, but its a lot less blonde than it used to be, its gotten darker since I entered my teens, its also thinner than it once was as it started falling out a few years ago due to stress. I have had a good hard think though and I have come up with 6 things, and here they are.

  1. I'm a survivor. I have struggled a lot in my life, with my mental health problems, a history of abuse from my mother and also my ex, and continual self doubt, but I've made it through. Despite everything that I have gone through I am a 22 year old university graduate in a successful, long term, relationship. I have goals for the future and I am beginning to eliminate the negative influences from my life and start to feel better about myself.
  2. I'm a caring person and this makes me feel good about myself. I know that Sheldon trust me to take care of him when he's I'll and he feels that he can show his vulnerable side around me and that I will be there for him. I'm also often the person that people confide in or come to for advice and I will always do my best to help them.
  3. I'm a logical person, I don't just acccept things at face value, I question and analyse everything that is presented to me. Some would say that this could be interpreted as a negative or annoying trait, but I like it about my self, cos it means I will never become one of the mindless followers or "sheeple" as I like to call them.
  4. I'm determined, no matter how tough things get I will not give up. I did consider intermitting and taking a year out of university when the onset of my most recent depressive episode occured, but I stuck it out and I finished my degree, I came out of university with a Second Class Honours Degree, despite a rather severe and untreated episode of depression and anxiety which continued for most of my final year. It's not the best degree in the world and maybe if I had intermitted I could have done better, but I feel proud of myself for having overcome my issues and made it to graduation.
  5. I am organised and able plan my day-to-day life in intricate detail, I like this about myself as it makes it easier for me to get by in life, it helps me overcome some of my anxiety and paranoia and means I can live a "normal" life.
  6. I have overcome my destructive behaviours. In the past I had an alcohol problem, which verged on alcoholism, I was addicted to painkiller (namely Codeine), I smoked 20+ cigarettes per day and also smoked weed, and I self harmed. I have now reduced my drinking to an appropriate level, and I no longer drink alone. I have given up the painkillers and now only take them when in actually pain, and Sheldon's under close supervision as its sometimes hard to control the urges. I have quit smoking cigarettes and I haven't smoked weed since before christmas. I have also stopped self harming, my scars are fading and although I still get urges from time to time, hell I've had them today, I am able to control myself and not act on them.

Wednesday, 16 February 2011

30 Day Challenge - Day 5

Todays task - What was you favourite subject or the subject you were best at in school/college.

This task is one that I have found particularly difficult, largely because I was a complete geek in school and college and I still am truth be told. I haven't been able to come up with one favourite subject and I very much doubt that I ever will.

Based purely on grades then my best subject was Psychology, for which I got a fairly high A grade at A Level (in the days before the A* A Level was introduced). I always loved psychology as it gave me a chance to argue and to express my opinions, it can be considered something of a soft subject and A Level, and if you just learn the principles and the case studies off pat, but I found that by engaging with the research that we were being presented in the cours and by constantly questioning what I was presented with that Psychology was a subject where I was really stretched. I enjoyed psychology because there is not right or wrong answer and only through an exploration of all of the facts can the most apropriate conclusion be reached.

My desire to be challenged and to have to search for an answer rather that going immediately with what seems obvious is also why I really loved English Literature in school. I have always loved reading and have devoured works of fiction and non-fiction whenever I got the chance for as long as I can remeber. I love trying to get inside of an authors head and think about why they wrote what they did. I love searching for deeper meaning and presenting my own opinions on what I have read, rather than being spoonfed the correct answers in order to pass an exam. I still do read both classic and modern literature for pleasure and searching out a new book by a beloved author is a great thrill for me. I don't feel however, that I would have been able to carry on with literary study after completing my English Literature A Level, because I love to read for pleasure and I have found that the in depth study of a favourite novel or play, can sometimes ruin your own concept of the litertature, it takes away that initial thrill of discovering the plot and relating to the characters.

One subject that has always fascinated me, and which is something that I continued to study as part of my first degree and which will form a major part of my future career progression is Biology, especially Human Biology. This is slightly different to Psychology or English Literature, as in Biology there are right and wrong answer, things work in a specific way, but at the same time these answers aren't set in stone and views are constantly changing as to what the right answer is. Where in maths 1+1 will always equal 2 in Biology the lines aren't always so clear cut, there is a grey area and that is what makes me love Biology. Biology also has its similarities with Literature and Psychology in as much as it is an analytical subject, experimentation and consideration of varying outcomes are what shapes our constatly changing understanding of Biology, and a better understanding of Biology alows us to better understand, ourselves as human beings and the world around us.

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

30 Day Challenge - Day 4

Todays challenge, write a short note do each of your exes. 

  • Goldie - Thanks for knocking up my best friend behind my back. Given your track record with women since, not sleeping you was the best thing I ever did.
  • Doc- You were the first person I ever beliveved I loved. I was however, young and foolish and had a peanut for a brain. While I still don't understand how you got from dumping me by text message to me being "the one that got away" I have moved on and it'll be a cold day in hell before I consider going there again.
  • BEs - While I'm not sure that what we had could ever be described as a relationship, we had some good times and I'm glad that we have stayed friends over the years.
  • Spanner - What can I say, thank -you! Our on and off romance opened my eyes to so many things and you're largely responsible for making me the person I am now, for which Sheldon would also like to thank you.
  • ChurchBoy - We were kidding ourselves really, we were never meant to be a couple and when I look back that was so obvious. I'm so glad that we are such good friends, you're a wonderful person and have helped me through alot but we we're never meant to be anythong other than friends.
  • Heath - "There's a time and a place for everything and its called college." Don't get me wrong I understand your desires to experiment with you sexuality and uni is the best, if not only place, to do that. Your a nice girl, and we had fun, but you're straight, that's all there is too it.
  • Steve - This was only ever meant to be a holiday romance and I think we both new that. I still can't believe that you were seeing someone else behind my back, and married her 2 months after I turned you down. The two of you do seem happy though and you have a beautiful daughter, I hope you treat them both better than you treated me.
  • Frenchy - Fun while it lasted but I'm glad you went back to France before anything got serious. I couldn't have had a real relationship with you, but what we had still makes me smile.
  • Dr O - You are without a doubt the worst man I have ever met. I'm so glad that you are banned from re-entering the UK because if I ever saw you again I could not be held responsible for my actions. You manipulated and damaged me at a time when I needed support, you turned me against my friends and told me that noone else would ever love me. Well I've got some news for you! Firstly; you have one twisted view of what love is, you never loved me, you loved the power you had over me, and the fact that you could manipulate me.  Secondly; Sheldon is 1000000 times the man you will ever be, he loves me for who I am and when I think of how you almost destroyed our relationship before it began it makes me hate you all the more.

Yeah I've dated some right tossers but everything that has happened to me has only made me stronger. I'm now a woman most definitely in love, I have found a wonderful man who treats me the way I deserve to be treated. Who loves me for exactly who I am. Who has been with me through thick and thin and helped me work through what happened to me in the past, and who I have learned to trust with my body, my heart, my mind and my life, when I thought I would never trust anyone, never mind another man, again as long as I lived.

NB: The names used here are (obviously) not the real names of my exes, for the sake of anonimity I have used nicknames.

Monday, 14 February 2011

30 Day Challenge - Day 3

The 5 Most Memorable things that happened to you in 2010.

  • I became a cohabitee for the first time after Sheldon and I moved in together in June.
  • I managed to spend both my Birthday and Christmas out of the company of my "parents".*
  • I was discharged from the Psychiatric Hospital into the care of my GP.
  • I re-established my relationship with my Aunt and Uncle (mum's brother and his wife) by cutting out the middle man of my mother.
  • Sheldon and I managed to drink a glass of wine each and then put the rest of bottle back in the fridge to drink on another occasion.^

* I say "parents" as neither of them have ever been what you could describe as parental in nature, I pretty much bought myself up with the help of my grandparents and more or less single handedly raised my little brother.

^ This may not seem like a great achievement, but as we both come from families with a history of alcohol abuse, and have both had problems with alcohol in the past this is pretty impressive in terms of our developing a healthy relationship with alcohol.

Sunday, 13 February 2011

30 Day Challenge - Day 2

Day 2 of the 30 day challenge amd todays task is

Post the lyrics to a song that fits your current mood/situation

I wanna call the stars
Down from the sky
I wanna live a day
That never dies
I wanna change the world
Only for you
All the impossible
I wanna do

I wanna hold you close
Under the rain
I wanna kiss your smile
And feel the pain
I know what's beautiful
Looking at you
In a world of lies
You are the truth

And baby
Everytime you touch me
I become a hero
I'll make you safe
No matter where you are
And bring you
Everything you ask for
Nothing is above me
I'm shining like a candle in the dark
When you tell me that you love me

I wanna make you see
Just what I was
Show you the loneliness
And what it does
You walked into my life
To stop my tears
Everything's easy now
I have you here

And baby
Everytime you touch me
I become a hero
I'll make you safe
No matter where you are
And bring you
Everything you ask for
Nothing is above me
I'm shining like a candle in the dark
When you tell me that you love me

In a world without you
I would always hunger
All I need is your love to make me stronger

And baby
Everytime you touch me
I become a hero
I'll make you safe
No matter where you are
And bring you
Everything you ask for
Nothing is above me
I'm shining like a candle in the dark
When you tell me that you love me

You love me
When you tell me that you love me

Those are the lyrics to "When You Tell Me That You Love Me" by Diana Ross. It is one of my favourite songs of all time and I know that its soppy and sentimental but it is the song that comes closest to expressing the way I feel right now.

I'm not just being soppy because it's Valentine's day tomorrow, I genuinely feel like this when I'm with my darling Sheldon. We got together at a point when I was an absolute wreck, I had some serious issues that I needed to sort out and was having a psychotic breakdown (which he made me seek professional help for). He was the one person who was truly there for me and who supported me when everyone else just smiled and offered meaningless platitudes. Everyday that we are together I feel us becoming closer, he makes me want to be a better person, and even though we've been together for 18 months now my heart still skips a beat when he says "I love you."

I know I'll never be able to repay him for everything that he has done for me, but I will never stop trying to be there for him and be as special and as wonderful a person as he makes me feel.

Saturday, 12 February 2011

30 Day Challenge - Day 1

A friend of mine sent me a link to a 30 day blogger challenge. Its a bit of a laugh and I'm kinda bored so I figured I'd give it a go.

Day 1 - Look up your horoscope and tell us how accurate you think it is.

So here is my horoscope for today from Russell Grant

ARIES - March 21st - April 20th

Nothing makes it OK to cheat; don't listen if anyone is trying to justify being less than honest. Someone has been doing this sort of thing for long enough and their apologies are starting to wear thin. If they really meant it, they wouldn't repeat it. You've always tried to be reasonable and forgiving but it's also important to think of yourself and the lack of respect they give you. Circumstances can change and if they can't it is time to end this relationship.

Now, how accurate do I think this is. Well it couldn't be less acurate if Russell Grant had actually tried to get it wrong. I'm in a very happy relationship with Sheldon and I know that there is no way he would ever cheat on me, or keep things from me, with the exception of my Valentine's day surprise, which he has just found out is happening tonight rather than actually on Valentine's day, which kinda sucks but I'm sure it will be lovely all the same. I have dated some real douchebags in my time who did fuck me about and cheat and this advice would have been really useful then, but unfortunately it comes a couple of years too late. Maybe Mr Grant is stuck in some sort of time loop and is trying to reach me circa 2009, who knows. I do think it's a shitty thing to be writting this close to Valentine's day though. What if I was in a shitty relationship but was trying to forget about it and enjoy a my Valentine's weekend regardless of the fact, the last thing I would want is some jumped up hippy reminding me that my partner is an arse.

I've never put much stock in horoscopes and only read them very occasionally, usually when I need something to laugh at and Russell Grant has only served to reaffirm my stand point regarding horoscopes and astrology in general.

For those of you who are just as skeptic as I and who also enjoy the funny side of all this astrology mumbo-jumbo you might find Dave Gorman's Important Astrology Experiment worth a look.

Here's a sneak peek courtesy of YouTube, enjoy.