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Monday, 3 January 2011

Why do mental breakdowns always happen on a bank holiday?

I did manage to hold myself together over christmas and the new year, although I did want to kill Sheldon's mother on a couple of occassions. Don't get me wrong she's a lovely woman, but she tends to stress a lot and wont let anyone do anything to help her so she gets even more stressed as shes doing everything on her own. Sheldon and I can put up with the stressing and the whinging most of the time but she also has a habit of waking up at the crack of dawn and as we have to sleep in her living room when we visit this means that we tend to get woken up at a similar time (generally about 5-6 hours after we've gone to sleep) and after almost a week of mild sleep deprivation she becomes a little bit too much to handle. It was however still the best christmas I've had in a long, long time. Sheldon's family are lovely and very welcoming and I had a genuinely pleasant and relaxed time while we were down there.

Traveling was a bit of a nightmare, the train journey from here down to Sheldon's mothers is supposed to take about 2 and a half hours, and usually it does, but this time around, thanks to the worst weather we've had for 120 years, it took us 6 hours to get down and 4 and a half hours to get back, a fair bit of which was spent sat in a station midway between where we left and where we were trying to get to which was less than fun. We did however manage it and it was all ok.

Since we got back however, Sheldon has had a bit of a breakdown. He's going through a depressed phase of his bipolar cycle and this is somewhat exacerbated by the stress of all the travelling we did during December and the amount of time that we had to spend around other people. He was really down on New Years Eve and it took a great deal of effort just to get him out of the bed, we still managed to have a good night. We spent the evening at home had a quite drink in front of the TV and played some silly games, it was nice but there was a slight melancholic overtone which coludn't be helped, last night Sheldon got even worse and became extremely depressed after I had gone to bed. When I woke up this morning I rolled over and noticed that Sheldon was wearing his hoodie in bed, which he never does, I asked him why and he said it was because he was cold but I knew straight away that there was something else. He eventually admitted that he had been drinking before after I had gone to sleep and had cut his arm with a razor blade. He said that he hadn't woken me when he had done it because he wanted me to get some sleep as I have been exhausted reently and that he hadn't told me when I asked him why he was wearing his hoodie in bed because he thought I would be angry with him and he couldn't face a confrontation. I'm not angry that he did it but I am concerned, especially as I know that the razor balde that he used was from a used razor and he didn't clean his wounds up after he had done it for several hours until I found out and cleaned his arm for him. He assured me that he did clean the razor blade before he used it but there is still a substantial chance that they will become infected so I will have to keep a close eye on those.

As Sheldon is self-harming and clearly very depressed I feel as though I cannot leave him alone in case he hurts himslef further. I have stolen a few minutes to myself while he's a sleep to write this. He is due to see his psychiatrist in a few weeks but I really think that he could do with seeing someone sooner. We have a direct line to contact the mental health team that deal with Sheldon's care but as it is a bank holiday weekend there is no point in even trying to contact them before Tuesday and even then the chances are that they will either tell us that there is nothing they can do and tell us to wait until his next appointment or if things get worse to contact his GP, or even worse they may put us in touch with the crisis team which is even worse as they do literaly nothing. Last time we had dealings with them was when I was severly depressed and they came round to our home, complained that our sofa was too low to sit on and told Sheldon that maybe if he tidied up the empty pizza boxes from our dinner that I would somehow feel better, I really can't be bothered with dealing with them and if that is all that the mental health team suggest I may well just tell them not to bother and deal with it myself until we can see Sheldon's psych.

I'm exhausted and don't know how well I'll manage it, but I'm going to have to keep myself together for Sheldon's sake. I have already been through the flat and hidden all of the alcohol, sharp objects and lighters that we have as well as anyhthing else that Sheldon may be able to use to hurt himself and I am going to be keeping my eye on him at all times to make sure that he doesn't do anything that might put himself at risk. This will be difficult as it means that I'll have to be awake when Sheldon's awake and sleep when he sleeps which isn't usually the case as I usually go to sleep and wake up before he does but I'll cope, I have to cope for Sheldon's sake as theres noone else whos going to help keep him safe.

I feel as though I'm waffling now, which I probably am so I'm gonna go and try to get some sleep.

Happy New Year everyone, I hope you've had a better start to the new year than we have.

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