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Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Feeling Trapped

I'm not feeling great right now, we've had a fair bit of snow and its predicted to continue through to the weekend. I loved snow when I was younger, my brothers and I used to run around and build snowmen and we all had a great time, now however, I find myself driven to hate it. The view from the window my flat is very pretty with a lovely smooth white blanket over the road, but thats the problem really. Sheldon and I live at the end of a very quiet cul-de-sac in a small town and the snow doesn't really get shıifted from the road, I'm dyspraxic and highly prone to slipping and falling, last year when we had similar weather I ventured out in it and ended up doing some substantial damage to my knee by falling on ice. I went to the supermarket with Sheldon on monday afternoon, when the snow had just started, and haven't left the house since. My anxiety management class on tuesday was cancelled due to the poor weather and I didn't go into town to the charity shop where I normally volunteer on tuesday as I didn't want to risk injury. The flat that Sheldon and I live in in a small one bedroom flat and as I have not been leaving the house in order to avoid any possible tragedy I have been spending my days going from bedroom to living room/kitchen and back again. I'm starting to get a sense of chlaustrophobia, or perhaps thats not the best way of putting it, cabin fever is probably a better term, either way I feel trapped.

Sheldon and I put up our Christmas tree today, as I have on the 1st December for as long as I can remeber.

 We also decorated the rest of the flat, it looks very pretty and provided a distraction for a while, I put on a christmas themed playlist on Spotify and we sorted through our decorations and decorated the flat, there are Christmas cards hanging up on the wall and the presents will soon be under the tree, but I'm not really feeling the Christmas spirit. I'm not sure if this is because I'm currently feeling trapped because of the snow or because Christmas isn't generally a positive event in my home. I am actually looking forward to Christmas this year as we will be spending it with Sheldon's family down south which means I will not have all of the usuall stress associated with Christmas at my family and having to put up with my mother being so drunk she can barely stand by lunchtime and starting an arguement with anyone who so much as utters a word in her dirrection, but I'm just not feeling Christmassy. Maybe its because today was world aids day which isn't exactly a terribly festive day, maybe its because I'm driving myself mad staring at the same four walls day after day, or maybe its because I have so much to deal with before I can even think about Christmas in any concrete way.

Tomorrow I have decided that I will attempt to create a makeshift menorah for Hannukah which beggins tomorrow, as hopefully this will distract my mind from these thoughts of being trapped and also it will make Sheldon happy as he is currently converting to Reform Judaism. Hopefully I will be able to venture out to do my volunteer work on friday and this will get me out of this funk. Sheldon and I have a busy week ahead of us next week with a few fantastic things to look forward to. Firstly on wednesday Sheldon and I will be seeing the amazing Tim Minchin live, as Sheldon bought us tickets as a flat warming present when we moved in here. Following that on thursday we will be seeing my grandmother, I adore my grandmother she is an wonderful, fantastic woman, and I don't see her nearly enough due to my problems with my mother, so it will be really good to see her next week. Finally on saturday Sheldon and I will be heading out on the town with a bunch of work mates for my works Christmas party, hopefully that will get me into more of a Christmassy mood, as I need my mood to improve in order to cope with all the travelling up and down the country Sheldon and I will be doing in the lead up to Christmas and then to get back home after the Christmas period.

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