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Wednesday, 15 December 2010

Ready as I'll ever be.

Its been a rather hectic and interesting couple of weeks so I'm going to break it up a litiile bit.

Mental Stuff

Firstly I had an appointment at the psychiatric hospital which went quite well I feel. My psychiatrist is pleased with the progress that I have made over the three months since he increased the dose of my medication and feels that I am ready to make my own way in the world. I have been discharged into the care of my GP with the addendum that I be instatly refered back to the hospital should I have any problems. I am happy to have been discharged from the hospital, as now that my medication is stable there is little point in me going back to the hospital on a regualr basis to essentially tell him the same thing repeatedly, I feel that this would be a dire waste of the pitifully low funding available to the mental health team. I am slightly worried about it though as it feels as though I have lost a safety net, my appoinments at the hospital were serving as something of a barometer as to how well I was doing and now that has been taken away from me, I can still make an appointment with my GP and I have access the the Crisis Response Team if needs be (although from personal experience thats more of a threat than an offer of help) but it just feels slightly weird to have lost that as it has been a part of my life for over a year now. I still have a strong support group of Sheldon, my friends and to a lesser extent my family (certain members of said family being more of a hinderance than a help) and I am feeling more confident in my own coping abilities so I am  sure that this discharge can only be a positive step, although its going to take some time to get my head around the fact. When I saw the psychiatrist he said that I would have to stay on the medication at my current dose for at least two years before I would be able to consider lowering the dose let alone coming of the meds completely. This is a long time but I knew when I started on this regime of medication that I would be making a long term decision because of the half-life of Venlafaxine and the severity of the discontinuation syndrome  that the ceasation of the drug regeime can induce, the duration that the psychiatrist gave us was more of a shock to Sheldon than it was to me. I really do not like taking the psych meds, but over the course of the last 18 months it has become a part of my day to day routine and it will continue to be thus until such time as the medical professionals whose care I am under decide that I am ready to come off them.

A Night with Tim Minchin

The day after my hospital appointment Sheldon and I went back to my home town to see Tim Minchin (or The Wondeful Minchin of Oz as Sheldon and I refered to him as for most of that week) he is currently tourin the country supported by The Heritage Orchestra and this tour makes for a fantastic night of musical entertainment. Tim Minchin is a brilliant musician and a thoughtful and observant comic, during the evening we were treated to an array of different styles and themes conveyed through song. I myself went on an emotional rollercoaster while sat in the audience at that show, I laughed, I cried, and I was angered (not by the material itself but by the subject matter and the institutions at which it was aimed). I have been a fan of Tim Minchin since the first time I saw him on television and I am so glad to have been able to see him live. I have long been an admirer of comedy and I follow a number of comedians such as Marcus Brigstocke and Robin Ince who seem to share some of my own ideas in relation to various issues, but I had never come across someone who conveyed my own exact thoughts and feelings through their work until I came across Tim Minchin. For those of you who are unaware of Tim Minchin's work I will share a few of his pieces which I feel best sum up the laughter, anger and tears that I experience from this man's performance.

 Laughter



This song always makes me laugh, the lyrics are awesome for a start. I love the juxtaposition, it is a love song but its completely turned on its head and I love that and secondly I'm constantly amused by his funny little wigle dance

Anger
 


When I talk about the performance inspiring anger this is what I mean. I was born and raised in the Catholic church and am now a self confirmed Deist. This song sums up my anger with the concept of organised religion, or man made rules being proclaimed as the word of God, and of one supposedly ─▒nfalible man being held sacred and beyond reproach while he covers up deplorable acts.

Tears



This song is beautiful, it has some very subtle humor so that its not depressing but it conveys the imperfect nature of life. I first heard this song towards the start of my current depressive episode about two years ago and it choked me up but also made me feel better odly, it never fails to bring a tear to my eye and has got me through a lot of hard times over the past couple of years.

Life in General

Things are going fairly well at the moment, I'm not to stressed right now which is a positive as I have a great deal of travelling to do and people to see over the next few weeks, between now and the start of January, I'm hoping that I can keep up some of the positivity and the energy that I seem to have found recently so that I can at least coast through until I'm back at home and can crash for a while but that remains to be seen.

The work christmas party was a good night, most of the people that I work with showed up which was really good as usually there are only 5 or 6 of us when we go out for a night. I think I may have had a wee bit to much to drink, but Sheldon and I both got home in one piece so no harm done.  All of our christmas shopping has been done and all the presents for our family and friends have been wrapped ready to be taken to various locations around the country and now I am planning on having a couple of days of well deserved chill out time before we have to head off down to see my relatives this weekend. I'm a little bit worried about Sheldon as he's been a bit down of late and his sleep pattern is rotating again although he seems to be cheering up as the days go by so hopefully with some rest he'll be ok by the weekend, and then we have a couple of days to ourself after seeing my family before we have to head away again to spend christmas with his family. I'm looking forward to it and I'm sure it'll be a great time, as it will be the first christmas that the two of us have spent together so its kind of a special occassion for us. I really hope that everything goes well and that his family like me and we all get on ok. Fingers Crossed.

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Feeling Trapped

I'm not feeling great right now, we've had a fair bit of snow and its predicted to continue through to the weekend. I loved snow when I was younger, my brothers and I used to run around and build snowmen and we all had a great time, now however, I find myself driven to hate it. The view from the window my flat is very pretty with a lovely smooth white blanket over the road, but thats the problem really. Sheldon and I live at the end of a very quiet cul-de-sac in a small town and the snow doesn't really get sh─▒ifted from the road, I'm dyspraxic and highly prone to slipping and falling, last year when we had similar weather I ventured out in it and ended up doing some substantial damage to my knee by falling on ice. I went to the supermarket with Sheldon on monday afternoon, when the snow had just started, and haven't left the house since. My anxiety management class on tuesday was cancelled due to the poor weather and I didn't go into town to the charity shop where I normally volunteer on tuesday as I didn't want to risk injury. The flat that Sheldon and I live in in a small one bedroom flat and as I have not been leaving the house in order to avoid any possible tragedy I have been spending my days going from bedroom to living room/kitchen and back again. I'm starting to get a sense of chlaustrophobia, or perhaps thats not the best way of putting it, cabin fever is probably a better term, either way I feel trapped.

Sheldon and I put up our Christmas tree today, as I have on the 1st December for as long as I can remeber.

 We also decorated the rest of the flat, it looks very pretty and provided a distraction for a while, I put on a christmas themed playlist on Spotify and we sorted through our decorations and decorated the flat, there are Christmas cards hanging up on the wall and the presents will soon be under the tree, but I'm not really feeling the Christmas spirit. I'm not sure if this is because I'm currently feeling trapped because of the snow or because Christmas isn't generally a positive event in my home. I am actually looking forward to Christmas this year as we will be spending it with Sheldon's family down south which means I will not have all of the usuall stress associated with Christmas at my family and having to put up with my mother being so drunk she can barely stand by lunchtime and starting an arguement with anyone who so much as utters a word in her dirrection, but I'm just not feeling Christmassy. Maybe its because today was world aids day which isn't exactly a terribly festive day, maybe its because I'm driving myself mad staring at the same four walls day after day, or maybe its because I have so much to deal with before I can even think about Christmas in any concrete way.

Tomorrow I have decided that I will attempt to create a makeshift menorah for Hannukah which beggins tomorrow, as hopefully this will distract my mind from these thoughts of being trapped and also it will make Sheldon happy as he is currently converting to Reform Judaism. Hopefully I will be able to venture out to do my volunteer work on friday and this will get me out of this funk. Sheldon and I have a busy week ahead of us next week with a few fantastic things to look forward to. Firstly on wednesday Sheldon and I will be seeing the amazing Tim Minchin live, as Sheldon bought us tickets as a flat warming present when we moved in here. Following that on thursday we will be seeing my grandmother, I adore my grandmother she is an wonderful, fantastic woman, and I don't see her nearly enough due to my problems with my mother, so it will be really good to see her next week. Finally on saturday Sheldon and I will be heading out on the town with a bunch of work mates for my works Christmas party, hopefully that will get me into more of a Christmassy mood, as I need my mood to improve in order to cope with all the travelling up and down the country Sheldon and I will be doing in the lead up to Christmas and then to get back home after the Christmas period.