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Thursday, 18 November 2010


A second attempt at blogging for me and this time I am actually going to stick at it. Looking at life from different perspectives, depending on my mood, and cataloguing my successes and failures along the way.

"Don't think...it don't 'elp to think" 
This has become something of a mantra for me during my latest "episode" (I hate that expression but a better way of phrasing it eludes me just now) as when I'm left alone with my own thoughts I tend to dwell on the negative and I am unable to concentrate or sleep as these thoughts constantly plague my mind. I've tried not thinking about the future, attempting to live life one day at a time, but I can not cope without some sort of plan or schedule so that I know what needs to be done, I get distracted and frazzeled and tend to just stop living completely, which makes motivating myself to carry on difficult.

It's a catch 22 situation. If I let myself think and consider the future then my thoughts become all consuming, I think about how I'm not goo enough, how little I have done with my life and all the things that I hope to achieve, I'm dominated but what ifs, wondering if I could be in a better position if I'd done things differently. On the other hand if I stop myself thinking about those things and try to livein the moment as it has been suggested to me on numerous ocasions I become frustrated and confused by a lack of structure and loose any focus of motivation that I had to begin with. Either way this position is not helping me get to where I want to be and so I've decided to give blogging another go as a way of getting some of thoughts and preocupations out of my mind, an outlet for my metal wanderings so to speak, I find it difficult to talk to people, even my partner, about these things that are going through my head but I can't keep them to myself anymore as the negativity and the self doubt are holding me back.  I feel that if I can get some of these things out in the open rather than keeping them bottled up I will be able to regain some control over my life and move on.

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