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Saturday, 20 November 2010


Right now I am absolutely exhausted. I had a really restless night, largely because I have been worrying a lot about my partner Sheldon*. Sheldon is has rapid cycling bipolar disorder and is FTM. We are currently in the process of getting him refered to a specialist gender identity clinic in order to get a surgical referal so that he can have chest surgery as well as a hysterectomy and oophorectomy. This in itself is a very positive step in affirming Sheldon's identity and presention in the gender he defines as but it brings with it a number of other issues which cause a great deal of anxiety. Firstly Sheldon has been undergoing testosterone hormone therapy for over two years, this was started by a different gender identity clinic, where Sheldon was treated very badly and to which we will most deffinitely not be returning.While this has been highly beneficial to Sheldon it is a source of worry as eah gender clinic operates by their own rules and there is a posibility that the new clinic will terminate Sheldon's hormone therapy until her fulfills their own real life time requirements*. This is unlikely as he has been living as a male full time for almost 5 years now and has been on hormones for over 2 years, but it still a possibility and if it were to happen it would be a devastating blow as it would knock Sheldon back to the same position he was in at the age of 17 and 5 years progress will essentially be for nothing, that is a bridge that we will have to cross if and when we get to it.

Oddly having his real life time reset and his hormone therapy suspended is fairly low on my list of concerns relating to this new referal. If Sheldon is refered for the surgery, it will be seen as Elective Surgery and therefore will carry some provisos these being that Sheldon will have to stop smoking prior to his surgery and as he is currently classed as overweight in terms of his BMI he will most likely be required to loose some weight. The smoking cessation is not so much of a problem, he has stopped smoking before and has been saying that he intends to quit for a while so hopefully the surgical referal will give him the incentive he needs to make hisintention become a reality. It's the weight loss issue that is a real problem and which is currently causing a great deal of anticipatory stress for want of a better phrase. Sheldon has a history of weight problems and has previously suffered from EDNOS, although I'm not sure if this was officially diagnosed. What I do know for sure is that in the past he has induced vomiting and abused laxatives in attempts to control his weight. I will try to help him loose weight healthily by cooking balanced meals and not buying junk food when I do our weekly food shop. I am very worried that he will become obsessive about the weight loss, especially if he has a specific goal set by the clinic, I can't wath him 24/7 and with the increasing availability of laxatives and fat binders in pharmacists and even supermarkets now I know that it will be ver easy for him to revert to his previous, highly damaging, methods of weight management.

These concerns however are all concerns for things which may happen in the future, and we're not going to make any progress in terms of referal to a gender identity clinic until the new year now as christmas is fast approaching. My imminent concern is that these possibilities are dwelling on Sheldon's mind as they are on mie and I think that he may be on the brink of a depressive episode. This time of year is stressful enough at the best of times as it means having to spend time with my family which is something that I try to avoid at all costs. This year we will be spending christmas with Sheldon's family so that means that some of the stress on my part has  been eliminated as I don't have to spend a week trapped  in my hometown exchanging pleasantries with people that I can't stand. Sheldon's mother doesn't like christmas for the same reasons as I don't but she tends to stress out and this stresses Shedon out, if he does lapse into a depressive or mixed episode, as I suspect he will some time in the iminent future, I really don't know if I will have the energy to keep myself sane.

For those of you who like me are dreading the christmas period I leave you with this

*Not his real name but in reference to Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang theory and in particular this scene where Sheldon says "Its taking forever to load the new operating system on my computer, I disinfected the kitchen and the bathroom and now I thought I'd learn Finnish" which is something I can see my partner saying. 

*This basically means that he would have to spend a certain length or time (usually around 1-2 years) living full time as a man in society before they will approve hormone treatment.

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